I feel like there are 2 kinds of people in this world: people who obsess over their actions, and people who don’t think about them at all. I’ve always been
cursed blessed with being one of the former.
If I’d been writing this in say, oh about early May of this year, I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you the last time I was able to shut my brain off and just act on whim without thinking at all. It happened so infrequently, and when it did, it’d still be the result of an abundance of pre- and post-thoughtfulness that [I feel] essentially counterbalances the lack of thought in that live-long moment.
If my overactive mind is indeed a blessing, then my curse must surely be the fact that I still fantasize about mastering the ability to let go. Following said fantasy, however, is what has brought upon me some of the greatest and most tragic moments of my life. I suppose everything is a balancing act though. I find it ironic that so many of the good moments of my life have been the ones that end in complete and utter shit. But hey, that’s life… right?
…Who knows! What I do know is that I’ve embarked on another one of those paths, and [so far, anyways] I’ve never felt better. I’ve never been good at maths [or should I say that I’ve never really enjoyed it?], but some deep, tucked away part of me believes that even if you get fucked over 999/1000 times you let go, that 1 time you don’t must surely be worth it.
It’s difficult to leap, to expose parts of myself I’d locked away, to put my career even on the line, but I’ve never been in a situation where it felt so natural, so alright, so worth it to do so. It eats at me sometimes, that’s for sure; I question what kind of person I must be to do this; I question if I’m even ready or if I can even handle it… but a glance, a word seems to be all that is necessary to pull me out of that mindset.
I guess I can say that I’ve never felt so at ease with letting go before. It’s strange, for sure, but it’s also pretty wonderful.
So, perhaps, just this once, I’m going to let go and chase that pipe dream without reservation. I’ll let go of the bad juju from my past, all of my failed attempts, and I’ll surrender myself to whatever this experience has in store for me. Who knows, perhaps it’ll be my 1/1000.
[In accordance, I’ve decided to delete my previous posts. All I did was obsess about them anyways. They were only memories of failure, and that’s not what I want my focus to be on anymore.]