Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is no doubt one of my favourite films of all time. I’ve always fantasized about having the ability to somehow edit my memories, or at least delete the less savory ones. In accordance, I too have wondered about which experiences I could have done without in my life, and how not remembering them in some form might impact who I am as a person. If we’re products of our environments as much as we are genetically prone to certain things [a shit word, but fuck it!] then surely we’re just a collection of memories, of marks people have left on us, of decisions made or not.
Who the hell would I be without those horrific things that happened to me? Would I be another self-entitled rich fuckhead like the ones I grew up around? Would I even have the ability to appreciate the good things in my life even a fraction of the way I can now? Would I still be able to empathize as deeply with people who are going through similar situations?
I drive myself crazy with such thoughts sometimes.
If all of that thinking has led me to any point, any one believe I can cling onto, however, it’s surely the fact that I would not be where or who I am now without everything that has happened to me. And, for me, that’s enough.
It’s strange because I’ve had people telling me for weeks now how much happier or content with life I seem, but I never really believed it until I came to my own realization: I realized that if I’m happy now, and if I have the chance to become infinitely more happy, it’s only because of all of the shit I’ve been through. I realized that I am only here, in this moment, with this person precisely because I have followed the path that I have [whether that required walking through hell or not]. Moreover, I realized that I’m now starting to believe everything was worth it.
If it took years of torture just to be able to sit across from the table and smile cheekily at someone who just fascinates me, it was worth it.