Inside Out

NOT the movie btw. I fucking hate that movie.

I hate most animated movies actually. It’s hard for me to emotionally connect to non-human-like-things… which doesn’t allow me to escape, and kind of defeats the purpose of films to me.

With that film in particular, I also hate that it teaches children that their emotions are the result of some weird entities inside of them controlling how they act in the moment… and thus alleviating them of all responsibility for being little shitheads. Just sayin’…

Anyways, this is about something entirely different. After I taught today, I was thinking quite a lot on my drive from work about just how different I am inside vs. outside the classroom. I always feel the need to put on a bit, to perform in the classroom, if only to elicit the (hopeful) excitement of my students. Usually showing passion helps… and yadda yadda, all that teaching philosophy bullshit.

All I know from experience teaching is that if I act like I care, the students tend to maybe care a little bit more than they would otherwise.

So although I love English and books, etc., I do put on an act… and sometimes quite a lot.

I feel like I’m talking in fucking circles… but my mind’s so shot I could give a flying fuck at the moment.

I remember having a mini existential crisis when I was younger and just got out of a shitty, controlling, abusive relationship. I was controlled to the point where I sincerely questioned whether or not I was ever able to actually develop my own personality; if I ever actually became who I was to become.

Mini like 1/6th life crisis aside, I eventually came to the realization that who I am is always in flux. Every little experience every day, every decision, etc. just helps to shape who I am from that moment on. Some things have smaller impacts, some larger ones; some things I don’t allow to impact me at all.

I do think it’s funny, however, how many contradictory sides I have. A lot of the time I prefer to be alone, in silence, reading or generally doing something pretty cerebral. I’m kind of an introvert like that. Other times, however, I am the motherfucking life of the party. Very rarely do I ever exist in the middle of those two extremes. Hence, why I think I would have gotten on with Wilmot quite well.

All of this kinda ties into my larger theory about who I am as a person… which is tied to some really deep-seeded personal beliefs. But I’m too lazy to write about that now! Perhaps tomorrow…


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