Heathen

I fervently believe that the vast majority of humanity goes throughout their life believing that they possess a singular self. They believe they are something (whatever they define that to be) that consists of a particular set of traits, and they define who they are by said traits. Take, for example, “I’m a god-fearing, Christian woman, married with two kids, etc. etc.” — Many different traits there, but all kind of wrapped up into the same piece of defined bullshit.

That being said, do I have an issue with labels, definitions, etc.? Absolutely not. How else would we even begin to explain who or what we are without these terms? It’d be practically impossible. As much as language itself is inadequate when describing something as uniquely complex as our self, it’s all we’ve got, so we best deal with it.

Along with language, I generally find most people’s view of life as a singular being with a singular personality as generally inadequate as well.

Perhaps I’m greedy, or crazy even, but I don’t see the point in being one thing when you can be all the things.

I came into this philosophy when I was about 13-14ish, which, I believe, is quite early, but hey, I had a rough life that forced me to think about these things a bit more than most (or at least that’s what I’m chalking it up to).

Having had this deep-seeded belief throughout my life, one can imagine my shock when I came across Wilmot’s work and, for the first time, found someone who (I believe) sincerely felt the same way. Although the self-proclaimed great cynic of his age, Wilmot believed that the world was just a playground and the whole point of life was to play and experiment in it. He pushed himself, he acted, took on disguise, etc etc etc — He was fucking fascinating.

I’ve believed the same thing and I’ve been doing the same thing for I don’t know how many years now.

I find it fascinating to pretend as though I’m someone else for a little while. Amongst a group of strangers? Why not pretend to be a famous author and shame them all for not having read your novel! Pretend to be a firefighter, or a porn filmographer, or what-the-fuck-ever you want to be in that second! Take on the essence of it, feel it running through your veins, and let it consume you until you become that thing. (Anyone who’s good at reading people, who is observant, who can manipulate, etc. should easily be able to do this btw.)

Every new place I visit, I have the chance to become someone new myself… even if only for a little while. Usually, a little while is all I can tolerate anyways because I quickly grow bored of things that cannot hold my attention. Never fear though, there are plenty of roles to be played, and plenty of ways to experiment.

Having read over what I just wrote, it seems as though my philosophy may be limited to certain situations… and that’s not entirely true because I think it actually runs a lot deeper than that. I don’t just change situationally, but I also pride myself in being able to change in the blink of an eye… whenever it’s called for really.

It could be something as simple as my partner giving me quite the devious eye from across the pub, and I can easily spring into action. I can embody that darkness, use and manipulate it.

It could be helping myself overcome a fear of something in the moment by taking on a persona that’s more adventurous and outgoing than I might feel right then. But even the word “persona” is not quite right because it’s all still, technically, me. (I don’t want to give the opinion I have multiple personalities or anything…. at least not yet.)

I’ve always dreamed of finding someone like me in this respect. Someone who is just fluid, all things, not held back by anything, and who feels free to let all aspects of themselves show. Most importantly, however, I want someone who’s willing to share all of themselves with me. Every little amazing, dirty, frightening, dark, beautiful, part of them.

I want my equal.

_________________

Afterthought: I think it’s why people have this tendency to become rather addicted to me rather quickly. I’m always something different, something new… and I was once told that it’s hard to get bored of that. There are downsides, of course, like just being generally fucking confusing and contradictory. I think when people see/feel that though, they’re just nitpicking and comparing moments, rather than realizing they’re all part of a greater whole.

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